i’m losing my emojination, love.

school girls

some of my carpool crowd

(for the record: i refuse to be called a carpool mom, little fuckers!)

… on my way to pick up Alex and her crowd at school, I was talking to my friend about a couple of single people we know. We were toying with the idea of being ‘matchmakers’. We giggled and laughed at the idea and we talked about the type of person they’d each be interested in and compatible with, etc. (in our opinion!). And, though i didn’t give it much thought after the end of the conversation, i noticed a girl driving her car out of the school parking lot- the lot i was sitting while i talked on the fone and waited for Alex and her friends.

A boy, about 15 , jumped in front of the girl’s car, not once, but twice. she waved her hand and signaled for him to move. she smiled, while her passenger, another, cute girl half giggled and half looked annoyed in flirtatious manner, anyway…. And he quickly took his fone and texted (it appeared he texted one of those two girls- or both. i say this because they laughed as they left the lot…it was a little obvious (and cute, i might add) )

And this made me think… Funny how we meet people. We meet them in the places where we spend time. in the places we hang consistently on a regular basis and often. at work, at school, in the library, at the market, on the trails, in your neighborhood, online, etc etc..

we smile and giggle and make faces and raise our eyebrows and open our eyes wide and we roll our eyes and we blush and we put our hands in our pockets and we twirl our hair and we yell or talk softly and we speak. vis a vis. or on a fone.
and, it’s nice. (reminder: i like hearing people. touching and seeing them. i love it, in fact. i like people.)

a text that says: ‘good morning’ is good enough? i guess it is. it should be. it says you’re thinking of them and effortlessly greeting someone.
hmm. but i can argue that a call is better. i would call , if i was able to.

Back to the kids in the parking lot for a minute: all these kids go home and sit and text or instagram or snapchat and message one another with a string and trail of emojis.


boys and girls

boys and girls


WHAT!? (for the record, i love the little graphics, but not my cup of tea.) my girl, Dani, sends me cute little message with a fat red heart from her iphone, or a camera emoji…She’s 11 and i think it’s cute. )
i am a fan of this, though :) and  ;) and <3, and sometimes i smile at it. mostly i smile. i like it. but the other emojis bug me. a little.

And I wonder why it bugs me a little? maybe because i find them to be common and typical and incomplete. emoticons. emojis… only a half-ass description of our emotions.
I guess, i am talking about relationships, young, old, established, new…
Why does this sort of incomplete communication bother me? it’s a short cut, maybe? rushed? is it because we don’t fully commit and engage.  and we rush to send out the next message, text, comment to the next and next person. and the next.
We don’t see the point of committing, maybe… sometimes we think there is a lot of options… “there must be the right person out there for me”… But, now the “right person(s)” is so easily accessible. on Matchdotcom, Grindr, CoffeeMeetsBagel, Tinder, Hinge, Dattch, etc, etc.,.. Lots to choose from.
Place your order! It’s like shopping or ordering dinner on Grubhub or Seamless. And, if isn’t a good fit, ditch it. or block it. give a bad review on yelp! or a thumbs-down, sad-face emoji.
But if you like it… hmm… well, it’s perfect. it’s a match made in something bigger than heaven— a match made in cyberspace. super nova-ish. or is it just wild little things like smiley faces and endless flirting leading to endless dating with some potential endless sexyness (not making sense- i may rephrase)

I think some of these options work for people, i’m saying the abuse and redundancy of it. and the ‘pick-n-save’ and ’99cent’ store value it puts on lives and emotions. (insert the *shrugs shoulders* emoji)

is there an emoji with a guy getting a hard on? (or would that be banned just like the fat face double chin emoji?) (excusez moi- pardon my frenchness)
Is this what intimacy is? emojis are our modern day intimacy?
Is there an emoji for “damn, you make me sigh and i think you’re so romantic”? And is that what we call romance? an emoji? Or, maybe… romance in our modern age, is putting our fones on silent for a few minutes to dedicate that time to our partner and maybe we hold hands or look into each others’ eyes at dinner. Maybe being romantic, or at least semi-committed is when you reduce the flirtatious comments to others and simply only giving them a “thumbs-up” on Facebook? “See, baby, all my comments are only for you!” Maybe romance is uninstalling the CoffeeMeetsBagel from your phone after an awesome first date with someone you truly “connected” with. And, i guess, that can be romantic. Romance reinvented in our modern world. (i am old, aren’t i !?)

you make me  smile, like this face in the sky ...up on the hill

you make me smile, like this face in the sky …up on the hill

So, let’s say you’re done looking and you’ve ‘connected’ with someone.  let’s say you “choose” that someone and he/she has chosen you.  When we choose, that is, if we also chose to commit, we (humans obsessed with shortcuts and having a million options easily accessible) still have one eye somewhere wandering about..all around, browsing and skimming through our other options. you know, JUST IN CASE. So have we really chosen? or just taken a bite while eyeing the other piece of *insert favorite food here*?
If that’s the case,  why not just go for the best? skip the rest, no?! Why do we even bother with the mediocre , the so-so options? Because too many CHOICES! (Or because maybe we, ourselves are mediocre, right??. maybe.)

And we don’t realise that our choices are killing us , killing our time and our spirit. sucking up our time and think of everything we may be able to do instead of looking and looking and looking. it’s like a sales rack that’s overpacked and crowded with all this shit clothes that’s been stretched and pulled and probably worn once and then returned and was put back on a hanger and shoved in that overflowing rack full of shit clothes that nobody wants…
well….only it’s on sale so you think “meh, good enough!” or something.   (i think)

We think choice is SOMETHING. something better may be available to us. it’s our right- we deserve better. best , even. We think there is a possibility that there are better things out there. more opportunities! and opportunity is good. (like a job or career- a chance to bet a bonus or move up the ladder. We think the more choices we have , then there are more chances to get something better. Like playing the lottery.
But when is it enough? When are we satisfied? (When we send the “i’m full and satisfied, baby” emoji?) I think we have forgotten what satisfaction feels like. And i wonder if we even know what love feels like? (that, however, is more 99cent-question!! and it’s not to be answered or even pondered- it’s only there for lack of better questions)
i’m, by nature, a romantic and a lover and an adventurer and an explorer (not to be confused with a whore or a conqueror ;)). but even the romantics and lovers in the world , i believe, have one foot out the door. maybe, sometimes, we don’t see that ‘love’ is right in front of our eyes. Maybe it’s because we get caught up on “who’s on  the other side of the  door and what other option is behind that gate?” or we get caught up on knowing that those in front of us have a foot out the door, too.

love , climb aboard the gate

love , climb aboard the gate

And you realise that no one really wants to take the time to love right now. or because no one is asking to be loved? most us long for something that we still believe exists, but currently is in danger of extinction. we long for the settle-down kind of love. do we? still, as humans (animals) we are looking for the next thrill, the excitement, the next butterflies in our stomach, the chills! Give me it to me now!—yes, the next instant gratification! is that more of an illusion? wait, what’s the illusion, the 10 second snapchat, or the treu genuine love?
(lemme think, and drink some coffee brb :) )

i <3 my coffee, and you, too.

i <3 my coffee and you , too

And let’s say we find that ‘right’ person we love who loves us back. we commit. we find ourselves sayin “I love you.” and it feels right and you’re giddy, blahblahblah etc etc.
WOW! We’ve found it (you are now a conqueror and one who has been conquered). Then what? then we turn around and just as fast as we found it, we modify ourselves and live it for he or she or worse, others? we tell people we’re in a “relationship” on Facebook. We dump ‘cute’ sickening fotos everywhere..on our facebook status?! we make it seem like a sitcom or worse, a Hallmark movie…it seems perfect because what we share is the sizzle reel the good parts. happy happy smile smile. because who wants to see the tears and fights and pounds you’ve gained because you feed your sadness pizza at 3oclock in the morning? Am i digressing ?
where is the fucking emoji for the 3oclock in the morning fight, fuckers?! :)

our emoji culture has stunt our imagination and our truth and our high standards. but maybe it has made us think and act more quickly and maybe it has allowed us to see more fish in the sea. Gah… too much work! too many fishes and at the end of the day… they are the same!

hello, fishy.

hello, fishy.

it’s as we are going and going after something that is only good enough but we’ve made it seem in our facebook (and other socials) that it’s fabulous… yet, we know damn well it does not exist. let it go. it’s false. it’s fucking fake! others’ shiny happy relationships are not real, either. believe me. (insert the two-face emoji)

but am i confusing dating and flirting with something more abstract like love and honesty and truth? (yet, flirting and dating is real. and emotions are real, and those flirty texts are real, too… and it’s somehow, a little invigorating …the rush…i imagine.?!!!)
Still, I think we distract ourselves more than we distract others by our cute instant messages. our innocent flirtations. and we kid ourselves that we want to find love? i don’t know. (not trying to find an answer or solution! and by no means do i pretend to have either. don’t misunderstand me.) i’m also just a quiet observer.
let’s say we do find our love. the one.

the original you+me= oui... more complicated than e=mc2

the original you+me= oui… more complicated than e=mc2

how can we be expected to stick to the commitment– to stick something out? is it even considered ‘sticking it out’ when you truly love someone? isn’t just called being happy with someone? is it called ‘sticking it out’ when we love someone even when it’s hard as hell to love them? or do we just to the instant thing and we bail asap?
why do we leave? is it because our lives are not good enough? our lives that we seemed to have created don’t really exist in 3d? and are only ‘real’ in 120 characters or in pretty images with intriguing words or quotes… and your ‘heart in the sunset’ and a perfect barrista coffee shots on Pinterest is making everyone jealous. And we compare our lives and ourselves with others. other fake ones , don’t forget.
(isn’t our nescafe coffee at home shot good enough? ha. or this shot of my latte…i am a barrista… look at my heart :) )

coffee art, coffee heart

coffee art, coffee heart

it’s easy to leave so, we leave. we leave because we see so much so many times (CHOICES!). we see an endless world full of choices. this is our modern world. here, there are options! always other tantalizing options and we check them out, for sure. hmm…let’s look at her/him….

love everyone

love everyone

even now, i can open another window on my computer, or open another app on my fone. what ever is happening out there is so accessible and so ready and full of delicious choices up for grabs but not for keeps. we can order dinner, we can check our traffic, check someone’s status, book a hotel, make a reservation… look at google maps and see the street view of someone’s house and where they work GAHH!!!! grrrrr!!!

we open up facebook and see the lives of others and we wish to have what they have… we see their relationship status and we see instagram and check where they’ve taken that spectacular foto with that spectacular vue. see the girl or guy he or she is dating… gah! we may not do this all the time but our modern world tells us we have that are available to us.
but…ppppppbut… all this and we do nothing. we sit around viewing the lives of others, checking snapchat and instagram and that is our life. and, instead of viewing our own life for what it is and actually living our life , we sit around and wonder why nothing lasts and why our minds feel full yet our souls and spirits deflated …and everything feels a little empty and dark…

just sit with me and go for hike...even if it's dark out..and dark in

just sit with me and go for hike…even if it’s dark out..and dark in

because it is. because, we have no idea how to live anymore?

or maybe we do, and this is romance and life in our modern world.
hmmm, maybe.
and though i appreciate and love the filtered fotos…and well lit pinterest glam shots and the instant message ‘hellos’… i love genuine in people and i love to exhale and feel real even if it’s less than shiny and pretty. so … when you are ready to send me an emoji…i will accept it and giggle… and yet, i want to hear your hands claps and see your smiley face and see you blush and see raise the roof… and actually feel your chest when you laugh and when talk and hear your voice…
(still, i like the fotos… and the messages…instantly…so send me some :) )

love is love and love is you

love is love and love is you

for the record this is not a rant or a rave or an insult … it’s just a long ass thought and well, when i think i don’t necessary look for answers (and certainly not solutions for me!) i just think and think… useless thoughts. i guess…
so… i was going to play matchmaker… but that just gets me in trouble.

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